These were the thoughts that would run through my opiate riddled mind as I would sit myself up between the toilet and the sink in the bathroom that I had turned into my own personal opium haven.
I loved everything about it. The ritual always brought me to a euphoric state, as I would melt into the warm embrace of my drugs. And it wasn't just one drug, it was any drug. Anything I could get my hands on was adequate, I wasn’t picky. I was an unlikeable mix of anxious and groggy but I wasn’t picky. I’d show up to any case, any time and I’d definitely stay late! Given the readily available stash at work, I actually hated vacations because for me this meant withdrawal, rather than a relaxing time with my family.
As a type A, whether I created the chaos or not, I loved solving the chaos. The craving and using cycle could be quite painful but at some level it was an end in and of itself. To sneakily divert a drug, and wander off into one of the many "safe" spots of the hospital and untangle all the knots in my stomach was nothing shirt of thrilling. It created a solvable problem that I could manage quite masterfully. There was something sexy about anesthetizing a patient only minutes after tying off my foot with a tourniquet and injecting myself with drugs. After the injection I would quickly remove the tourniquet and from my thrown on the bathroom floor raise my foot in the air as if to salute the drug as gravity hastened it’s journey to my heart.
My heart often skipped a beat. Whether it was when the warmth of the drug hit my chest or when I almost got caught injecting while crouching beneath the surgical table pretending I was checking my various monitoring equipment. However, like Icarus, you can only fly that close to the sun for so long before you come crashing down.
My run at juggling addiction and medicine didn’t last very long. In fact, the last day that I worked I knew it was the day that I would get caught. I had a very good idea of what was to come in the form of lost licenses, court dates, and unemployment but I couldn’t stop myself. This is what addiction looks like but there is always hope. The journey to put the pieces back together is far from over but it helps me to revisit these memories. Not as a euphoric recall but as a warning of where I’ve been and where I can easily go again.........
BY: Jason R.
The Flight Of Icarus is a story in the Perspective Series, presented by Parkdale Center. Every story is a self-told personal account of someone struggling with, recovering from, or affected by addiction/alcoholism. If you suspect a co-worker, family member or employee is impaired or you are struggling with addiction, reach out to IPRP today: http://inprp.org/contact-us.